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How to adopt a child or become a foster parent: a guide for ages 0-18
Adoption makes you a child's legal parent for good; foster care is temporary and usually aims to reunite the child with their family. Compare the two paths, the home study, and how to talk to your child about it.
General Information: General information only; it may vary from child to child. Talk to your doctor or a specialist before making decisions.
In short
- Adoption is permanent and finalized by a court; foster care is a temporary, court-monitored service that lasts until the child is reunified or a permanent family is found.
- In the US, rules for approving adoptive and foster homes vary from state to state, so your state's child welfare agency sets the exact requirements.
- In general, any adult, whether single or married, may apply to adopt, and every applicant takes part in a home study.
- Foster parents are licensed by the state and receive a stipend or reimbursement for the care they provide.
Lumiya Editorial TeamBased on 6 sourcesOur editorial standards
“We want to give a child a home, but should we adopt or foster?” They are two different paths: adoption makes you a child's legal parent for good, while foster care is usually temporary and the child keeps ties with their birth family. In the US, your state's child welfare agency sets the exact requirements.
What's the difference between adoption and foster care?
Both paths give a child a family, but they mean very different things in law and in everyday life. The table compares them on six points.
| Point | Adoption | Foster care |
|---|---|---|
| How long | Permanent | Temporary |
| Who decides | A court finalizes it | Court-monitored, run by the state |
| Your role | Legal parent | Licensed caregiver |
| Approval | Home study | Licensing and training |
| Birth family | May bring loss and identity questions | Care lasts until reunification or a permanent family |
| Money | You take on full parental costs | Stipend or reimbursement |
The Child Welfare Information Gateway, the federal Children's Bureau's resource service, describes adoption as a legal process that is also “a social and emotional process,” one that can bring loss, grief and identity questions. Families need access to services both before and after adoption.
Who can adopt or foster in the US?
There is no single federal checklist. A federal summary of state laws is plain about it:
In general, any adult, whether single or married, may apply to adopt a child.
Two states require married couples to have been married for a minimum length of time. Prospective parents must be in good health and have enough income to meet the child's needs; owning a home is not required, and every applicant takes part in the home study.
For foster care, each state sets its own criteria and licensing rules, and foster parents usually go through licensing and training. Start with your state's child welfare agency or a licensed adoption agency in your state; adopting from another country is a separate process with its own rules.
How does the process work, step by step?
- Choose your path and agency: Decide between foster care adoption, private domestic adoption or intercountry adoption, then contact your state agency or a licensed provider. Legal procedures vary by location and by type.
- Complete the home study: A caseworker assesses every applicant and your home. Foster parents also complete licensing and training before a child is placed.
- Be matched with a child: The agency matches you with a child whose needs your family can meet. Waiting times are not set nationally; ask your agency what to expect for the kind of adoption you choose.
- Live together under supervision: In most states, a caseworker from the department or agency supervises the placement until the court finalizes the adoption.
- Finalize in court: Adoption becomes legal when a court finalizes it. Foster care continues under court monitoring until the child returns home or a permanent family is found.
When and how should you tell your child about adoption?
Child Welfare Information Gateway puts it simply: address the issue early, and don't wait for your child to bring up adoption. Remember that “how you say something is just as important as what you say”; parents who tense up or keep it a secret may send the message that something is wrong with being adopted.
With a foster child, explain, in words they can understand, where their family is and when they will see them.
Telling your child, age by age
-
The warmth in your voice
“We waited so long for you.” Use the word “adopted” from the start.
-
A short, simple story
“Your birth mother carried you in her tummy, and we adopted you.” Expect the same question again.
-
The question “why?”
“It wasn't because of anything you did.” Bring it up yourself.
-
Questions of identity and origins
“If you want to search, we'll do it together.” Let your teen lead.
A 7-year-old who asks “Why didn’t she keep me?” needs a short, true answer and to know you are staying, not every detail.
Most adopted 6- to 12-year-olds think often about their birth parents, even if they never mention them, so it helps to raise the subject yourself. If your teen wants to find their birth family, treat it as part of building an identity, not a rejection of you; how adoption records can be accessed depends on your state.
When should you get professional help as your child settles in?
Sadness, anger and behavior challenges are normal as school-age children learn more about their history, and these feelings can even become more pronounced once a child feels secure at home. For younger children who struggle every time you leave, see our guide to separation anxiety.
Information Gateway advises seeking professional help if your child or another family member shows any of these signs:
- extreme emotions and behaviors,
- family relationships that stay difficult or seem to be getting worse,
- difficult relationships with peers,
- substance use.
Child Welfare Information Gateway says adoption support and preservation services can help families before and after adoption, from explaining adoption to a preschooler to supporting a teen's search for identity, and recommends an adoption-competent therapist. Start with your pediatrician or family doctor, and call or text 988 in a mental health crisis.
Before you apply, ask yourself
- Do I want to be a parent for good, or a safe home for a while?
- Am I ready to support a child's contact with their birth family, and perhaps their return home?
- Can I make time for the home study, training and a wait with no fixed end?
- Am I ready to tell a child their story honestly, again and again?
Your answers point to the path that fits your family. For other kinds of family change, browse our guides on different family structures. @son
General Information: This content offers general information based on expert sources. Every child, family and situation is different, so what is described here may vary from person to person. Talk to your doctor or a qualified specialist before making decisions about your child.
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Editorial Note
This article offers general information; requirements and timelines differ by state and by family. Talk to your state child welfare agency or a licensed adoption agency about your situation.
